And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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