i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
