i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
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You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
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Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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