dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
