Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
