So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
two words: eviction party
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Someone signed my nipple.
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