If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
