when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
