how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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