Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
