dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
