I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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