I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
