I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
