I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
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