there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
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You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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