i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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