My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
