what day is it and did you see me today?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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