i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Someone came in the potted fern
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
