I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
