They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
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he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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