that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just made my gag reflex go away.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
