I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I did not marry a roomba.
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