Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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