i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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