Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
