Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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