I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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