sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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