Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
