I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
