just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
