I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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