so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
