you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
