I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
