last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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