So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
