I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
