she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
