this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
