My Higher Power is John Stamos
stop calling my apartment porn island.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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