good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Vodka?
Forever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
