I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
