Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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