Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
