At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
3pm strippers are depressing
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
