they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
