I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
