My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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