Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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