Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
