It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
