then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
