So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
