is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
