I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
