His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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