he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
