Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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