she woke up with a sticky ear
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
