so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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